Gym, Tan, Fade Into Obscurity: The Final Season of Jersey Shore Approaches

Addio, si sporca coquins

Brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. Let Thursday, August 30th, mark the end of a dynasty as MTV announces the cancellation of its smash hit program, Jersey Shore.

I’ll pause for a moment while you search for tissues and hop in your tanning bed to ease you through this dark time.

The Jersey Shore is MTV’s social experiment, reality sensation that debuted in 2009. Our televisions have been graced by the fist pumping, vodka swilling Italian socialites every Thursday for five seasons of engrossing drama, and the upcoming 6th season begins airing on October 4th. Sadly, it will be our last trip to Seaside Heights.

The ‘Shore has served as MTV’s highest rated show in the cable network’s history, and dominates their targeted demographic of viewers age 12-34. And it’s not only fragile, young Americans being taught how to Jersey Turnpike. Jersey Shore is an international sensation as well, being one of MTV’s most viewed programs in Australia, Denmark, Singapore, Spain, Mexico, the UK, Poland, Ireland, Belgium and Sweden. It has even inspired two localized spin-off’s, “Geordie Shore” in Great Britain, which is MTV UK’s highest rated show ever, and the currently being filmed “Gandia Shore” in Spain.

So why put the kibosh on the series now? After only three years of air time, and nothing but dreaded sobriety to potentially slow the cast down? Well, even being the monetary power-house that it is for the network, the cast member’s unbridled popularity has led to some severely inflated production costs. For this final season, series stars Pauly D, Snooki, and Mike “The Situation”, are all reportedly earning $150,000 per episode. For a 12 episode season. I’m no Stephen Hawking, but if I apply the principles of mathematics and carry the two, I believe we come up with 1.8 million dollars each. The remaining cast’s earnings scale down from there, and after seeing what the Snooks makes, it doesn’t matter much that Deena only makes about $40k per episode. However, given the ungodly high salaries, MTV exec Chris Linn states that money is simply not the reason for ending the series.

Entertainment Weekly asked if the cost of keeping the cast around had gotten too high to maintain, and Linn had this to say: “It hasn’t been a significant consideration. The show still dominates, it’s the No. 1 show in our core demo, it’s still incredibly successful. It’s really about their lives evolving and changing in a way that moves them away from the original conceit of the show.”

In other words, Snooki has a baby, Mike just left rehab and is apparently sober, Pauly is in his mid-thirties, and MTV continuing to pour alcohol down these people’s throats and asking the monkeys to dance for our entertainment is beginning to get socially irresponsible. The network can only glorify one night stands, domestic violence, and alcohol dependency for so long before they need to draw a line somewhere.

With MTV renewing the Snooki & JWOWW spin-off show for a second season, and Pauly D’s own show still airing, we certainly haven’t seen the last of our beloved New Jersians. The Situation has his grubby little fingers in about as many business ventures as Mark Cuban. Ronnie is the poster child for weight lifting supplements and wife-beater tank tops. Sammi has her own fragrance, which smells like sun-dried fish and boardwalk tar, according to anonymous sources. Vinny has written two books, one of which detailed his experience with Social Anxiety Disorder. And good old Deena gets arrested for being drunk and violent in the upcoming season, so I am sure some company will give her money to represent them soon.

I, for one, will avidly watch the final season. I just hope that as the doomsday clock approaches midnight and the cast sees that the end truly is nigh, their crazy will hit completely new highs. I see pasta hurled and stuck against the walls, undergarments hanging from the rooftops, STD tests crumpled and blowing in the hot breeze, and Ronnie bounding across the boardwalk on all fours, grunting and barking at the full moon overhead.

God bless American television.